Valentine's Day Will Never Be The Same

It started out the same as every other Valentine’s day. Okay, it was really the same as any other day. I was going to go to school, go to work, and then go home to prepare for all the half price chocolates I was going to buy myself the next day. Typical single girl Valentine’s day plans. But then something happened that forever changed this day for me.

Last year, a student in south Florida walked onto his high school’s campus and opened fire. The numbers don’t matter because one student lost is too many. Hearing news like that is shocking no matter who you are or how close you are to the situation. But something more bothered me. This student picked today on purpose. This was his way of announcing to the world how unloved he felt. He must have cringed every time he walked past red and pink at the store during the weeks leading up to today. This was not an accident. He hated Valentine’s day. And he wanted everyone else to hate it too.

That evening, I had the privilege to speak to a number of young people. Every time tragedy like this happens, we always debate what our role is. Do we acknowledge that it happened and risk frightening those who didn’t know? How much time do we spend on heavy topics like this? I couldn’t shake the fact that even though I spoke to this group regularly about how I am there for them, I knew I needed to express this same message again. I reminded them how special they are. I reminded them how loved they are. I pleaded with them to share with someone if they are in a place of deep hurt. Not really expecting anything. Definitely not expecting this.

A young person I had spoken to before, but honestly not extensively, came to me and shared a plan they had to end their life the next day. Because they were heart broken. Because they hated Valentine’s day. The flood of emotions I felt is something I will never forget. What was I supposed to say? What could I say? What if I said everything I knew to say and it still wasn’t enough?

Let me be clear, this was not a pat on the back moment for me. I have never been so afraid in my entire life. I literally do not remember 98% of the words that came out of my face. For over 2 hours, I sat on the floor with this person I barely knew, internally weeping and praying that God would take over this conversation. I knew I needed Him at this moment more than I ever had before.

(“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” -1 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I remember telling them what anyone who has experienced heartbreak before would have told them: you are going to make it. That pain is so real. I would never try to act like it wasn’t. Being rejected by someone who you thought loved you is the worst feeling. But one day, it will get better. For sure not overnight, even though sometimes that would be nice. There is nothing you cannot overcome. How sad it is when we choose a permanent or life-altering solution to a feeling that is so temporary.

It’s not new information that there are hurting people in our world. Heartbreaks, tragedy, and disappointments are all things we will deal with at some point in our lives.

Your hurt is not too extreme for someone to understand. You do not have to fight these feelings alone.

Please don’t ever be too busy for someone who needs you. We all need someone to talk to. Be willing to be that person. I’ll be that person for you if you need it!

And if you are involved in our DNow this weekend, first of all, get SOO excited!! This weekend is going to be amazing! But even though we would love to make it an isolated bubble of fun and protection, there are going to be students there dealing with the worst of life. A simple reminder of “you are loved” may mean the world to someone. My request for this week is for us all to be praying that God continues to work in spite of our weaknesses and that no student will leave Sunday unsure of their worth!

Darkness will not win this weekend. Not today Satan!

Ikea Life Plans

It has been a hot minute since I felt like I had to time to breathe in the past couple months. Having still moments always prompts me to reflect on my life: where I have been, what I have been through, and where I am going. I began to think about the life the younger versions of me imagined. I can say with quite certainty, they never could have predicted this.

I never thought I would still be in Tallahassee. The longer I am here the more I love it. But I have tried leaving so many times for school or jobs I thought I wanted. But somehow, God consistently shows me it isn’t time for me to leave yet.

I never thought my first overnight hospital stay would be in a foreign country. I had decided that since I survived being a teenager with no major medical incidents, I would be good until I had to go to become a mom or something! That obviously was not the case. That event still is the strangest couple days I have ever, and probably will ever, experience. But I got a great story out of it so I guess that is something.

I never thought I would be voluntarily signing up for more and more school. In high school, I had always looked at career paths only requiring one degree. But grad school? Yeah right… I could never do that.

I never thought I would still be living with family after graduating from undergrad. Because I had always assumed I would find a one degree career. One degree, instant job, forever independent. But nope! I am an in-debt grad student living with my grandparents. But I know I will forever be so thankful for the time I get to invade their lives and their home.

I never thought I would be working at a church. When Aaron asked me to quit Chick-fil-a to come work for him, I was sure he was having a momentary lapse in judgment. I wasn’t qualified. I’m still not! But I love it. I love getting to be a part of some of the most important and challenging times in our students’ lives. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I never thought one of my younger sisters would be getting married before me. I’m the oldest. I’m supposed to be the one giving marriage advice and relating to the joyful stress of planning a wedding, but I got nothing! And yeah, some days that is a tough reality. But I also know there is not a single person in the world who could make Savanna happier than Caleb. He is the most perfect man for her and the absolute best first brother-in-law.

I never thought I would be oh so very single at 24. High school Audrey thought I would be married right out of undergrad. Apparently, God is on His own timeline. Shocking I know.

These are just the brief highlights of a long list of ways, things, and choices I have made that I could have never predicted. God tells us “I know the plans I have for you (Jeremiah 29:11)”. Some days I wish those plans were clearly written out. Like a step-by-step Ikea furniture manual. Place this here. Tighten this relationship there. Pick up this opportunity and connect it with this. But I’m also so thankful it is not. Our lives are a journey. A journey filled with so much purpose and even more surprises. And I’m sure that even in another 5 or 10 years, the plans I have for myself now will not be comparable to the place and the person I will be then.

I’m ready for the adventure. I hope you are ready for yours too!

Without A Doubt

This past weekend, I had the absolute privilege of taking some of our high school seniors to the beach for a farewell graduation trip. This was my third time taking our students as a leader, and every time I am convinced it is better than the last! Our entire leadership brings their “A” game every year and it is literally a blessing to be surrounded by such caring and Jesus-filled people. Here’s the funny thing about leading any sort of Christian retreat: so many times, we come prepared to teach and encourage those we are leading and every time God teaches us even more!

One afternoon, I had somehow landed some one-on-one time with one of my favorite women on this planet. We were both laughing and enjoying some much needed time together until she asked me THE question: “Audrey, how are you? Not how is school or work? How are you? How is your heart?” And then in the most loving and gentle way, she ripped off an emotional scab I had been trying to deny was ever there. But she knows me better than that…

As she listened to me share these things I was struggling with, she asked me if I believed God had a plan for my life. The answer was “well, of course! The Bible says He does.” Then she made me repeat this phrase until either she thought I believed it or at least knew it was going to stick with me: without a doubt.

Yeah… That was hard to say. Saying that I knew God had a plan for me and wanted what is best for me was head knowledge. To say that I believed it without a doubt, that is a heart thing.

Here’s what I have realized about heart knowledge: often learning it comes with a fair amount of emotional pain, but not because it is evil or undesirable. Think back on your life. What are the memories that are the strongest? What past sensations can you feel the loudest? More likely than not, it’s the sensation of pain that sticks with us. It’s easier to recall exactly how you felt when you broke your foot, but a lot harder to remember how it felt the last time you got to hug the loved one you lost.

Pain is hard. We never wish it upon ourselves and somehow it still always finds us. It overcomes us at our weakest and pokes at us when we are at our most vulnerable. It knocks us off our own two feet and takes our breath away. Does the pain of our past or our present try to yell louder than anything else? Without a doubt.

Healing is harder. It requires us to admit defeat and fall at the face of our Savior. It brings us to the point of realizing we cannot do this on our own. Healing is never fun. It demands we come face to face with our giants and run at them with our sling, stone, and mighty God behind us. Do I know God is behind me every step of the way? Without a doubt.

Does God see you in your brokenness right now? Without a doubt.

Does God feel the sadness and hurt you are experiencing? Without a doubt.

Does He want you to run toward Him with tears in your eyes and arms open wide? Without a doubt.

Will He catch you every time you fall into Him? Without a doubt.

“Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” -Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

Stupid Cliches

This is going to be hard for me to admit, mainly because it’s more honest and embarrassing than I usually care to share. But I’ve been thinking about clichés and how they got to be clichés. The answer has to be because on some level, maybe even most levels, it is true. So here is a story about a cliché that is actually a good one.

One thing you need to know about me is that Gideon is my prayer spirit animal. He and I are definitely on the same page. In case his story is not one you are familiar with, let me fill you in. God asked Gideon to lead an army to take over a BIG army that was getting ready to go to war against the Israelites. He wanted to believe that God got it right, but he needed to make sure. So he gave God a test. He put out some fleece and told God if this really was what he was supposed to do, let the fleece be wet and the ground dry when he woke up the next day. If fact, he did it twice to guarantee it was not an accident. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t an accident. And Gideon defeated an army with like 30 people because God’s awesome. Judges 6:11-8:21)

Anyway, I pray like that a lot. Sometimes I need God to give me signs so I know I am hearing His voice and not some delusion I made up. Most of the time, I use cars. Because God can make anything happen! He can make any car pass me at any moment. And that’s how I pray. 

As many stories seem to start, “so there was this boy…”. And he was great. A real solid dude. The kind of dude that I thought maybe would be the marrying type. So I got to praying.

I live by a bunch of car dealerships and one of them had this bright purple jeep right in the front. I love a good jeep, but it was a crazy bright purple! I figured the chances of it selling where about the same as this guy realizing he was supposed to marry me. So I prayed and told (as if I have any power) God that jeep was going to be my sign. When it wasn’t there anymore, I would know something big was about to happen!

Every day I drove past that dealership, and every day that purple jeep was still there. Then one day, I got to carve out some super intentional and real time with God. I got to have a very honest conversation about where I was at emotionally and literally cried out to Him. I knew that He loved me and He was listening. So that was good enough for the moment.

That same day, I drove past that same dealership and the purple jeep was gone. Then I heard it. “I needed you to know I am enough for you. Even if this boy is not the one, I am still enough for you.” And you know what, He is.

God is enough for you. He is literally all you need. You don’t need that person or that job or that money or that car. God is enough. If fact, He really is the only thing you need. But that’s phase 2. Realizing He is enough is phase 1.

My point is this: prayer is powerful. Pray the bold prayers and the scary prayers. The prayers maybe you are not even sure you want answered. And yeah, the outcome might not be what you really hoped it would be. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray it. Because often, it’s in those moments that God shows up and reminds us exactly who He is.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm Here For You

This is going to be short and to the point. But in light of recent events, I wanted to put this out there:

Here’s the reality: life is far from perfect. There is so much hurt and deception and evil in the world. Some of it is just things we hear about on the news. Some of it is affecting you personally. Some of it just causes you to pause and think about your life. Some of it literally feels like your world is crashing down around you. Recently, I was reminded of something very important that I need you to know. Whatever it is that you are facing, God is bigger than it.

If you feel like everything around you is full of darkness, God is the light of the world (John 8:12). If you feel like you are a mistake, God crafted you. There’s no way you can be a mistake (Psalm 139:14). If you feel weak and broken, God is your strength (Psalm 118:14). If you feel unloved, God literally is love (Psalm 36:5-7). God is a million times bigger than the giant that is in front of you. He wants you to put on His armor and run toward your giant. There is no need to fear about coming out victorious. Jesus has already won the victory.

You’ve probably said or heard the phrase, “if you everything need anything, I’m here for you” more times than you can count. I know I have, but I still will continue to say it. Why? Because of those few times people take me up on it. If that’s where you are at, I’m here for you. Go ahead and message me! I don’t care if we’ve never really talked before. I don’t care if we have talked but we’ve lost touch. I don’t care about how awkward it may or may not be. I never want anyone to feel like they are alone in this world. Because you are not. You are loved by an Everlasting God. You are treasured by the Maker of the stars. You are important to the King of universe. You are not too far, too messed up, or too broken for Him. And I will tell you that every single day until you believe it if you need me to.

You are loved. You are treasured. You are important.

Lonely vs. Alone

I am about to admit something real embarrassing so I hope I’m not the only one who did this. I got my first phone when I was thirteen. It literally looked like a pink Barbie phone, and I was in love with it! This was also right around the time texting first became a big thing. Like back when you could pay for different amounts of texts per month.

Anyway, I thought there was a direct correlation between the number of people you had texting you and how liked you were. So I used to send out mass texts that looked super middle school like “heyyyy! waz up?! :-P” Then I would sit right next to my phone and wait. Wait for a buzz or a ring that would mean I was worth texting back. Thankfully, that phase is over because it literally would drive me insane…

We all go through periods where we base our views of ourselves on the frequency of hang outs with other people, the number of people who like our Instagram picture, or how many streaks we have with others on Snapchats. If we don’t get these things, we get lonely.

Lonely is not a good place to be. Lonely implies a passive emotion. Lonely is not something you choose. Lonely is a feeling that we get when things feel outside of our control.

None of us like lonely, but when is the last time you really took time to be alone? Alone is not an emotion. It’s a choice. A time you set aside to be with your own thoughts. A chance to step back and reflect.

A couple months ago, I had an emotional breakdown. I cried 6 times in one week. It was rough. Someone I admire very much and sometimes knows me better than I know myself told me it was time to take a break. Every though I didn’t feel like I had time to do it, I needed to. So one Saturday, I went off the grid. I put my phone on airplane mode and did whatever I wanted.

I made myself a dope omelet, went on a run, went grocery shopping, and ended my time at Maclay Gardens. I found myself a bench and just sat. I brought my Bible and a journal, expecting to have tons of new God-given revelations about life. I had an agenda and God was going to answer it. But instead, I felt like He was just waiting to listen. Listen to me admit how much I needed Him.

I learned two things that day. First, crying in public can be strangely liberating. Second, we spend so much time trying to please people so we don’t feel lonely, and we forget to take time to be alone and spend time with the one person who will always have time for you. You don’t even have to send a lame group chat to get His attention. He’s always there!

*A side lesson I learned: it was a lot harder to turn my phone back on than it was to turn it off. It made me want to go off the grid for longer than just one day!*

God is Patient

I did something really dumb. I told a friend that I would train to run a half marathon with her… As soon as I said those words, I instantly regretted it. Who in their right mind would willingly run over 13 miles?! Actually it’s been a really great thing for me. I’ve never had such a strong motivation or reason to keep up with my health and fitness. Plus, the more I run, the more I appreciate the time I spend doing it. Nobody can talk to me. I can’t be distracted by anything that is, in reality, not that important. All of my brain power is being used to continually put one foot in front of the other and attempt to keep myself from passing out. Because training for a half marathon is hard enough. But training for a half marathon in Florida humidity is no joke!

One thing that I have noticed is I can totally tell when I have been feeding myself properly to pull off this kind of physical activity. I can feel the effects of eating pizza and sugar vs eating protein and vegetables. The really cool/nerdy thing is because of the classes I am taking at school, I understand why I feel this way! Apparently, I had not been eating great the past couple days because today’s run was harder than normal. I was rushed this morning so I didn’t take the time to make myself a good breakfast or lunch. And I ate like a linebacker yesterday! I went to Grub for the first time in forever and completely demolished my burger. *Side note: I guess the manager thought I waited too long for my burger so he gave me a coupon for a free one next time I come! Which is not helping my linebacker eating habits but I aint even mad about it!*

So because of my poor choices the past couple days, I ended up having to walk more than I normally do. Rather than just quitting, I decided to go ahead and walk for another mile or so. I had planned on running longer anyway. I heard this little voice in my head say “Well, since you don’t need this pump up music for a walk, you might as well put on some Jesus tunes and turn it into a prayer walk.” I figured there was no harm in it.

I ended up sitting on a bench along the trail I was on, just appreciating the stillness around me. The more I listened to these songs of repentance and declarations about God’s power, the more I realized how completely off course I had been lately. All of these feelings of jealousy, bitterness, worry, and selfishness that I had been hiding just starting coming to the surface and I lost it! Why did it have to take God completely isolating me before He could get my attention? I knew it was because I had been trying to ignore what I was feeling. I thought maybe I could do the “fake it til you make it” thing when really I should have been laying down all of those things at the feet of Jesus.

Sometimes God teaches us through our mistakes. He lets us go our own way because He also knows in the end, we will remember those lessons which such clarity that we are less likely to do it again. Recently, God has shown me this unbelievable mercy by sparing me from learning the lessons the hard way. I think He knows right now I do not have the emotional stability to handle the tough love right now… But He keeps showing up in these moments more as a reminder of His sovereignty and control and love in my life. I don’t deserve His grace. I don’t deserve His attention. I don’t deserve a relationship with Him. But that’s what He desperately wants from me. It’s also what He wants from you.

Yesterday, the verse of the day on the Youversion Bible App was Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understand; think about Him in all your ways and He will guide you on the right path.” I’ve heard this verse more times than I can count. I’m pretty sure I could still sing the song that I learned about it when I was a kid. Don’t ask me to sing it for you. I won’t. But the further I go through life, I see why they expose you so much to that verse as a kid. Because it’s a decision we have to make each and every day. Will I follow God or will I follow the desires of my heart?

This song I was listening to as I sat there was “Circles” by Tow’r. There’s a line that repeats in the song that says “While I was searching for a feeling, You were searching for me.” As a woman, it often feels like my entire life is run by my emotions. And how well I handle them is so closely related to where I seek the outlets for them. It’s so much easier to pop in a rom-com and further dive into whatever I am feeling than it is to talk to God about it. Mainly because I am sometimes afraid of what He will show me when I open myself up to Him. But He will never stop seeking for my heart. And He will be patient and waiting when I finally decide to stop and listen.