Lonely vs. Alone

I am about to admit something real embarrassing so I hope I’m not the only one who did this. I got my first phone when I was thirteen. It literally looked like a pink Barbie phone, and I was in love with it! This was also right around the time texting first became a big thing. Like back when you could pay for different amounts of texts per month.

Anyway, I thought there was a direct correlation between the number of people you had texting you and how liked you were. So I used to send out mass texts that looked super middle school like “heyyyy! waz up?! :-P” Then I would sit right next to my phone and wait. Wait for a buzz or a ring that would mean I was worth texting back. Thankfully, that phase is over because it literally would drive me insane…

We all go through periods where we base our views of ourselves on the frequency of hang outs with other people, the number of people who like our Instagram picture, or how many streaks we have with others on Snapchats. If we don’t get these things, we get lonely.

Lonely is not a good place to be. Lonely implies a passive emotion. Lonely is not something you choose. Lonely is a feeling that we get when things feel outside of our control.

None of us like lonely, but when is the last time you really took time to be alone? Alone is not an emotion. It’s a choice. A time you set aside to be with your own thoughts. A chance to step back and reflect.

A couple months ago, I had an emotional breakdown. I cried 6 times in one week. It was rough. Someone I admire very much and sometimes knows me better than I know myself told me it was time to take a break. Every though I didn’t feel like I had time to do it, I needed to. So one Saturday, I went off the grid. I put my phone on airplane mode and did whatever I wanted.

I made myself a dope omelet, went on a run, went grocery shopping, and ended my time at Maclay Gardens. I found myself a bench and just sat. I brought my Bible and a journal, expecting to have tons of new God-given revelations about life. I had an agenda and God was going to answer it. But instead, I felt like He was just waiting to listen. Listen to me admit how much I needed Him.

I learned two things that day. First, crying in public can be strangely liberating. Second, we spend so much time trying to please people so we don’t feel lonely, and we forget to take time to be alone and spend time with the one person who will always have time for you. You don’t even have to send a lame group chat to get His attention. He’s always there!

*A side lesson I learned: it was a lot harder to turn my phone back on than it was to turn it off. It made me want to go off the grid for longer than just one day!*