God is Patient

I did something really dumb. I told a friend that I would train to run a half marathon with her… As soon as I said those words, I instantly regretted it. Who in their right mind would willingly run over 13 miles?! Actually it’s been a really great thing for me. I’ve never had such a strong motivation or reason to keep up with my health and fitness. Plus, the more I run, the more I appreciate the time I spend doing it. Nobody can talk to me. I can’t be distracted by anything that is, in reality, not that important. All of my brain power is being used to continually put one foot in front of the other and attempt to keep myself from passing out. Because training for a half marathon is hard enough. But training for a half marathon in Florida humidity is no joke!

One thing that I have noticed is I can totally tell when I have been feeding myself properly to pull off this kind of physical activity. I can feel the effects of eating pizza and sugar vs eating protein and vegetables. The really cool/nerdy thing is because of the classes I am taking at school, I understand why I feel this way! Apparently, I had not been eating great the past couple days because today’s run was harder than normal. I was rushed this morning so I didn’t take the time to make myself a good breakfast or lunch. And I ate like a linebacker yesterday! I went to Grub for the first time in forever and completely demolished my burger. *Side note: I guess the manager thought I waited too long for my burger so he gave me a coupon for a free one next time I come! Which is not helping my linebacker eating habits but I aint even mad about it!*

So because of my poor choices the past couple days, I ended up having to walk more than I normally do. Rather than just quitting, I decided to go ahead and walk for another mile or so. I had planned on running longer anyway. I heard this little voice in my head say “Well, since you don’t need this pump up music for a walk, you might as well put on some Jesus tunes and turn it into a prayer walk.” I figured there was no harm in it.

I ended up sitting on a bench along the trail I was on, just appreciating the stillness around me. The more I listened to these songs of repentance and declarations about God’s power, the more I realized how completely off course I had been lately. All of these feelings of jealousy, bitterness, worry, and selfishness that I had been hiding just starting coming to the surface and I lost it! Why did it have to take God completely isolating me before He could get my attention? I knew it was because I had been trying to ignore what I was feeling. I thought maybe I could do the “fake it til you make it” thing when really I should have been laying down all of those things at the feet of Jesus.

Sometimes God teaches us through our mistakes. He lets us go our own way because He also knows in the end, we will remember those lessons which such clarity that we are less likely to do it again. Recently, God has shown me this unbelievable mercy by sparing me from learning the lessons the hard way. I think He knows right now I do not have the emotional stability to handle the tough love right now… But He keeps showing up in these moments more as a reminder of His sovereignty and control and love in my life. I don’t deserve His grace. I don’t deserve His attention. I don’t deserve a relationship with Him. But that’s what He desperately wants from me. It’s also what He wants from you.

Yesterday, the verse of the day on the Youversion Bible App was Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understand; think about Him in all your ways and He will guide you on the right path.” I’ve heard this verse more times than I can count. I’m pretty sure I could still sing the song that I learned about it when I was a kid. Don’t ask me to sing it for you. I won’t. But the further I go through life, I see why they expose you so much to that verse as a kid. Because it’s a decision we have to make each and every day. Will I follow God or will I follow the desires of my heart?

This song I was listening to as I sat there was “Circles” by Tow’r. There’s a line that repeats in the song that says “While I was searching for a feeling, You were searching for me.” As a woman, it often feels like my entire life is run by my emotions. And how well I handle them is so closely related to where I seek the outlets for them. It’s so much easier to pop in a rom-com and further dive into whatever I am feeling than it is to talk to God about it. Mainly because I am sometimes afraid of what He will show me when I open myself up to Him. But He will never stop seeking for my heart. And He will be patient and waiting when I finally decide to stop and listen.