Lonely vs. Alone

I am about to admit something real embarrassing so I hope I’m not the only one who did this. I got my first phone when I was thirteen. It literally looked like a pink Barbie phone, and I was in love with it! This was also right around the time texting first became a big thing. Like back when you could pay for different amounts of texts per month.

Anyway, I thought there was a direct correlation between the number of people you had texting you and how liked you were. So I used to send out mass texts that looked super middle school like “heyyyy! waz up?! :-P” Then I would sit right next to my phone and wait. Wait for a buzz or a ring that would mean I was worth texting back. Thankfully, that phase is over because it literally would drive me insane…

We all go through periods where we base our views of ourselves on the frequency of hang outs with other people, the number of people who like our Instagram picture, or how many streaks we have with others on Snapchats. If we don’t get these things, we get lonely.

Lonely is not a good place to be. Lonely implies a passive emotion. Lonely is not something you choose. Lonely is a feeling that we get when things feel outside of our control.

None of us like lonely, but when is the last time you really took time to be alone? Alone is not an emotion. It’s a choice. A time you set aside to be with your own thoughts. A chance to step back and reflect.

A couple months ago, I had an emotional breakdown. I cried 6 times in one week. It was rough. Someone I admire very much and sometimes knows me better than I know myself told me it was time to take a break. Every though I didn’t feel like I had time to do it, I needed to. So one Saturday, I went off the grid. I put my phone on airplane mode and did whatever I wanted.

I made myself a dope omelet, went on a run, went grocery shopping, and ended my time at Maclay Gardens. I found myself a bench and just sat. I brought my Bible and a journal, expecting to have tons of new God-given revelations about life. I had an agenda and God was going to answer it. But instead, I felt like He was just waiting to listen. Listen to me admit how much I needed Him.

I learned two things that day. First, crying in public can be strangely liberating. Second, we spend so much time trying to please people so we don’t feel lonely, and we forget to take time to be alone and spend time with the one person who will always have time for you. You don’t even have to send a lame group chat to get His attention. He’s always there!

*A side lesson I learned: it was a lot harder to turn my phone back on than it was to turn it off. It made me want to go off the grid for longer than just one day!*

God is Patient

I did something really dumb. I told a friend that I would train to run a half marathon with her… As soon as I said those words, I instantly regretted it. Who in their right mind would willingly run over 13 miles?! Actually it’s been a really great thing for me. I’ve never had such a strong motivation or reason to keep up with my health and fitness. Plus, the more I run, the more I appreciate the time I spend doing it. Nobody can talk to me. I can’t be distracted by anything that is, in reality, not that important. All of my brain power is being used to continually put one foot in front of the other and attempt to keep myself from passing out. Because training for a half marathon is hard enough. But training for a half marathon in Florida humidity is no joke!

One thing that I have noticed is I can totally tell when I have been feeding myself properly to pull off this kind of physical activity. I can feel the effects of eating pizza and sugar vs eating protein and vegetables. The really cool/nerdy thing is because of the classes I am taking at school, I understand why I feel this way! Apparently, I had not been eating great the past couple days because today’s run was harder than normal. I was rushed this morning so I didn’t take the time to make myself a good breakfast or lunch. And I ate like a linebacker yesterday! I went to Grub for the first time in forever and completely demolished my burger. *Side note: I guess the manager thought I waited too long for my burger so he gave me a coupon for a free one next time I come! Which is not helping my linebacker eating habits but I aint even mad about it!*

So because of my poor choices the past couple days, I ended up having to walk more than I normally do. Rather than just quitting, I decided to go ahead and walk for another mile or so. I had planned on running longer anyway. I heard this little voice in my head say “Well, since you don’t need this pump up music for a walk, you might as well put on some Jesus tunes and turn it into a prayer walk.” I figured there was no harm in it.

I ended up sitting on a bench along the trail I was on, just appreciating the stillness around me. The more I listened to these songs of repentance and declarations about God’s power, the more I realized how completely off course I had been lately. All of these feelings of jealousy, bitterness, worry, and selfishness that I had been hiding just starting coming to the surface and I lost it! Why did it have to take God completely isolating me before He could get my attention? I knew it was because I had been trying to ignore what I was feeling. I thought maybe I could do the “fake it til you make it” thing when really I should have been laying down all of those things at the feet of Jesus.

Sometimes God teaches us through our mistakes. He lets us go our own way because He also knows in the end, we will remember those lessons which such clarity that we are less likely to do it again. Recently, God has shown me this unbelievable mercy by sparing me from learning the lessons the hard way. I think He knows right now I do not have the emotional stability to handle the tough love right now… But He keeps showing up in these moments more as a reminder of His sovereignty and control and love in my life. I don’t deserve His grace. I don’t deserve His attention. I don’t deserve a relationship with Him. But that’s what He desperately wants from me. It’s also what He wants from you.

Yesterday, the verse of the day on the Youversion Bible App was Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understand; think about Him in all your ways and He will guide you on the right path.” I’ve heard this verse more times than I can count. I’m pretty sure I could still sing the song that I learned about it when I was a kid. Don’t ask me to sing it for you. I won’t. But the further I go through life, I see why they expose you so much to that verse as a kid. Because it’s a decision we have to make each and every day. Will I follow God or will I follow the desires of my heart?

This song I was listening to as I sat there was “Circles” by Tow’r. There’s a line that repeats in the song that says “While I was searching for a feeling, You were searching for me.” As a woman, it often feels like my entire life is run by my emotions. And how well I handle them is so closely related to where I seek the outlets for them. It’s so much easier to pop in a rom-com and further dive into whatever I am feeling than it is to talk to God about it. Mainly because I am sometimes afraid of what He will show me when I open myself up to Him. But He will never stop seeking for my heart. And He will be patient and waiting when I finally decide to stop and listen.

Appreciating the Journey

When do you realize that the struggles or trials you have been through are worth it? At what point does all of the gross stuff make sense? Do we have to wait a certain period of time? Does it happen when we finally get to the other side? How do you know when you’ve made it?

At the moment, I’m currently in one of those phases where I am full of questions about what is going on in my life. I feel like I have tried to listen to God’s guidance as I make decisions. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t listen to Him all the time, but I really do try. So then why isn’t this road easy? Why does it have to be so hard?

Today I was thinking about how the Israelites must have felt after God led them out of Egypt. They get a lot or ridicule about their bad attitude once they got into the desert. The most famous story is when they complained about not having meat in the desert. They even wished that they could be back in Egypt because supposedly life was better there! It sounds insane to us! How could they legitimately wish they could be back in slavery?!

But then I thought about it a different way. The Israelites had been in slavery until this guy Moses came and said he was going to lead them to the Promised Land. Then they saw God do all of these signs and wonders. And then He led them right into the desert. I bet on some level they were expecting God to just take them across this magical river that would lead right into the Promised Land. They had put this hope and expectation into this deliverance. Because if they followed God, surely He would lead them on the most direct route to where He had promised to take them.

Many times it seems like we view God as like a scratch off lottery ticket. When things get desperate, we call out to Him. Maybe go to church more, pray more, anything that we think will help. We expect God to give us exactly the direct answers we need. That instant gratification. Then when He gives it to us, we put Him away until we need Him again. Then when we get into that place again, we buy into God… until He gives us what He wants. Then we move on.

What if God wants us to appreciate the journey just as much as where He is leading us? When we are in the midst of the journey is when we need Him the most. We need His guidance and direction. We need His peace and wisdom. It leads us to keep seeking Him in prayer. It grows us as it grows our faith in Him. Faith that He knows the right way. Faith that He knows exactly where He is taking us.

Trust me, these words are things that I am trying to teach myself. I know all the right Christian phases. I know all the catchy sayings that are on everything at Hobby Lobby. I’m trying to believe all of those sayings because I know they are true. I’m trying to release control over my life and follow God fully. I’m trying to appreciate the journey. Because I know once I get to the other side, I am going to have a full on Hallelujah dance party! I’ll be happy to take RSVPs if you want to join me when that day comes J   

Does God love me when....

This past week I got the awesome privilege of taking our students to MFuge camp in Mobile, Al. I’m still a little bitter I couldn’t convince our youth pastor to take us to Fuge NGU so I could see my sister. But it’s fine. I’ve moved on. Anyway, this was my first experience being an “adult” at camp and my first time at MFuge. Which in case you don’t know, MFuge is like combining an in-country missions trip and regular Jesus camp so it’s super cool. It was honestly amazing to go to camp not as a student because I remember letting myself get unreal emotional and distracted by other campers (if you know what I mean), but this time I was so much more focused on Jesus and how I could be there for our students.

Being at camp though does kind of make you put your life under a microscope. You are getting so much truth thrown at you about so many areas that all seem to apply to you. It can be exhausting to realize how much you need to get your act together! There is also though so much opportunity for you to worship who God is and celebrate what Jesus did for you. That’s where there seems to always be that obligatory “cry night” because your mind just can’t process all of these feelings any other way. This time the roller coaster wasn’t too dramatic for me, but I did leave last week very aware of some areas in my life that I was not a fan of.

So naturally, Satan got wind of this and has been throwing those feelings back in my face all week. Thoughts and feelings about myself and other people that I really am not proud of. Insecurities about my worth. Desires that I have that I know are not things that Jesus wants for me to have. Struggles that I wish I didn’t have. So I can be honest and say, I have not really liked who I am this week. But thankfully, we have a God who knows exactly what we need during these times.

I read a verse yesterday that literally felt like it was written for me. It’s 1 Timothy 1:15-16 “This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: ‘Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners’—and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ Jesus might demonstrate His extraordinary patience as an example to those who would believe in Him for eternal life.“ Even on my ways that I feel like I am at my worst, Jesus is still patient with me. God still loves me. Does He want me to be better? Oh, for sure! But He loves me in spite of the things that I don’t like about myself.

I’ve also been listening to the song “Hills and Valleys” on repeat (the piano version, not that it really matters) and there’s a line that stuck out to me. “No matter what I have, Your grace is enough. No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love.” It does not matter what else is going on in my life. It doesn’t matter who I have or what I have. It doesn’t matter if I am loved by everyone or dirt poor, God’s grace is enough for me. And yeah there are some days I don’t believe that. I want to believe it! Some days it’s just easier than others. But you know what? Even on the days I don’t believe, the days there is more I dislike than like about myself, God still loves me. God’s grace is bigger than my disbelief. And that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing!  

So I went on a run today...

This is just a short story of something that happened today. But it got me thinking:

So I went on a run today after work. Now before you start silently applauding me, I was not running for my own well-being, because I’m concerned about my health, or I realized I am not going to be in my early 20s forever. In fact, I went and got myself a large Dunkin iced coffee afterwards! I told someone I would run a half marathon with them so unfortunately I have to run.

Anyway, I had passed this lady pushing a stroller with her sweet little baby in it. And I had given her that pleasant nod you do when you are trying to run but also not die at the same time. I continued on my run and saw this rubber giraffe laying on the sidewalk. If you have had kids or babysat before, you know exactly what I am talking about. It’s one of those that you give a baby when they are teething. So of course I soon as I saw it, I knew exactly who it belonged to. In that moment, I had to make a decision.

For a split second, I hesitated. I was in the zone. I was in the middle of getting into this whole training for a race thing. Oh and did I mention I was just trying to not die? So I had a lot going on. I knew that returning that giraffe was going to mean more steps and sweat drops for me. But then I thought about all of those pictures I’ve seen of babies clutching those little giraffes. Yeah I know that baby couldn’t talk. I think she would have known something was missing.

So with the little energy I had left, I picked up that giraffe and raced it to them. She obviously had no idea it had dropped and was super thankful for it. Honestly, it put a little pep in my step for the rest of my run. I mean I was still dying, but it was more fun!

The point is as magical as it is to help others, it usually requires extra work from us. Maybe not literal blood, sweat, and tears work, but usually it’s inconvenient. Often times, we can do a pretty good job talking ourselves out of it too. But the rewards for doing the right thing go beyond what we may even expect. We hope that whoever we are helping is thankful for what we did, but so many times, they are not the only people that benefit. It really does feel good to know that you made someone’s day a little better. Because to you, it might be just some rubber giraffe. But to them, it could mean everything!

Strangers to Soul Sisters

This is how Jordan Stinson (well now McLaughlin) and I became friends:

Once upon a time (in 8^th grade), these 2 girls came to visit Celebration Baptist with their family. We had just finished with Sunday School and our teacher asked me and another girl if we would sit with these new kids during service while their parents went to their own class. I could tell right from the beginning that these girls were way out of my social league. But I knew I needed to make a good impression on them for the sake our church. Naturally, I handled this meeting with grace and poise…. Actually at one point I tried to be funny and pretended to push her off the balcony. (I was, and currently am, the most awkward person in the world!)

I don’t know what it was about her, but I knew we needed to be friends. Not for any sweet or loving reason. I think I was hoping that being friends with this new girl would instantly make me a cooler person. So I was determined to do whatever it took to make her like me.

Slowly, we started becoming friends. We had similar interests. We laughed together a lot and liked being around each other. (We also may have decided that our younger siblings were going to get married one day. That’s still a work in progress.) And that’s not even the most unbelievable thing. One day I realized she was one of my best friends. I could tell her anything! And no matter how ridiculous my complaints or worries were, she was always so full of encouragement. Then, not only was she there for me during my emotional break downs, but she was someone I could totally talk to about my relationship with Jesus. We started digging into God’s word together. We started praying together. And then, this girl that I thought was way out of my friendship league became my soul sister.

The point of me telling you this story is this: God puts the people in our lives for a reason. Sometimes, it makes a lot of sense. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes, it’s the most beautiful and joyful thing. And other times, it hurts but it makes us stronger in the long run. I know God put every person in my path for a reason. Some were so I could learn something from them. Some were there for me to teach and pour into. And then, a special few have stuck around for the long haul. I don’t think anyone thought that almost 10 years later, Jordan and I would still be the friends we are today. I’m so thankful that she is though!

Listen, no matter what someone has done to you or put you through, they are a part of your story. Maybe it’s to give you a chance to learn about forgiveness. Maybe it’s to help you find the people you can count on. And those people you can count on, they are the best part of your story. It’s the family you were born into. The best friend that you know would travel to the ends of the earth for you. The person that wins over your heart and clouds your judgment enough to cause you to marry them (that of course is a joke. I hope you are absolutely in love with your significant other). No matter who each person is or what your history is with them, don’t think that meeting them is a freak accident. God has weaved their story with yours so perfectly together for a reason.

Learn to cherish and love constantly on the ones that have stuck around. Invest in those that you know need extra love and encouragement. Forgive those who have hurt you. Fight for those that are worth it. And be thankful to the God who made them and you!

Life Changes Part 2

And just when I thought my life was already exciting enough, things just kept getting crazier! As I wrote in my post a couple weeks ago, I was recently hired as the Girls’ Ministry Associate at Celebration. Which I think is amazing! I was totally blown away that Aaron would ask me to take on that kind of role. Little did I know that was not the end.

I had been at Celebration for a whole 2 days when our Senior Pastor told me he needed to talk to me. I always think worst case scenario so I was trying to figure out how I had messed up already! But he brought me in and asked me to take on an even bigger responsibility: to become the Missions Coordinator for our entire church. Now to be honest, I don’t remember like anything he said to me after that. I just stood in complete shock. Once again, I could not believe what I was hearing! Once again, someone came to me with a position that I didn’t ask for with the full confidence that I could do it. I literally didn’t even know what to say.

Even after having accepted the job, I still don’t know what to say. As I was seeking God’s guidance during this whole situation, I kept hearing Him say, “I’m not going to tell you why you need to do this. You don’t need to know. You just need to say yes.” And listen, actually saying yes was the most intimidating thing I have done in a long time. I have no prior experience. I have no training or real knowledge how to do this. I don’t even have a college degree! I am not qualified for this at all.

Maybe you’re in this same boat. There is a task or assignment or opportunity that God has placed in front of you but saying yes is too terrifying because you don’t think you really have what it takes. Like somehow God made a mistake. I told God I thought He had. However, I doubt He looked around at His angels after I said that and was like “wait, did you guys know that she was only 22? Were we aware that she has no prior office or administrative experience? Does she even know how to do anything besides sell chicken?! Oh man, I think we asked the wrong Audrey… Well, I mean it might be too late now. Buckle down. We’re going to have to work with this.” I have full confidence that God saw all of my fears and hesitations and said “I know you don’t feel like you can do this, but you have Me! What else do you need? I know you think this is bigger than you, but as My child, your whole life’s purpose is bigger than you. I know you feel like you don’t have the necessary skills, and yeah, right now you don’t. But with the encouragement of the people you have around you and with My all-knowing Spirit literally in your heart, I don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

What is holding you back from being able to say yes? What seems too big to be true? God does not call those who think they are ready to serve, He asks those who He knows are ready. We are not the judge of that. I mean really, we have zero control over the opportunities that come our way. It’s just our job to say yes and jump in.

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another… If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.” -Galatians 5: 13&25

When the Answer is Wait

Whether you have grown up in the church or never entered one, everyone has at some point been around someone who has been praying. We pray before we eat. We pray before sporting events. We pray before a big test or presentation. We pray when someone’s health is declining and we feel like it’s all we can do. Maybe you pray knowing God is right there with you and that He is holding your hand through it all. Maybe you don’t even really believe God can hear you or that He cares but you have run out of other options.

The point is: the idea of prayer is not some new concept that we are unfamiliar with. And honestly, the act of prayer itself is often the easy part. (Well except those moments when we are doing it out of complete humility because we can’t do it on our own. But that’s a topic for another day.) The hardest part of praying is listening for the answer.

You’ve probably heard the saying God answers prayers in 3 ways: yes, no, or wait. Everyone gets excited about the yes's. That’s like praying about this new job you want and getting hired on the spot. Typically, everyone hopes for the yes. You can almost picture God as like this gentle, sweet Grandfather that just wants to give you the world.

Then there are the no’s. These tend to happen when we send up those 911 prayers before the test we didn’t study for and hope God will just magically give us the answers. I’m not saying that never happens. But usually He says no in those situations to teach us a lesson.

Then there is the most dreaded answer: WAIT. I know for when I pray, I am not only praying for my circumstance but I am also praying that “wait” is not the answer. We are a society built on instant gratification. So the idea of waiting for an answer is actually the worst. It’s as if God doesn’t tell us the answer right away because then we have to keep coming and talking to Him. Sometimes we are not patient enough to wait for the answer so we leave the issue alone and hope the next time we ask God for something, His response time will be more like kraft mac-n-cheese and less like slow roasting a turkey.

I’m caught in the middle of this whole “wait and see” situation at the moment. I have been presented with an amazing opportunity but I don’t know where God is going to let it take me. And guess what? He hasn’t told me yet! He’s told me to wait and see because where I am now could be very different than where I am in a couple years (or something ridiculous like that). And yeah, it is super frustrating! I hate surprises. I like to know what is going to happen to me. But I also know if I spend all my time trying to over-analyze the whole situation, I’ll going to be totally missing out on the ride He wants to take me on. And that’s not something I am willing to miss out on! So I guess I will be waiting… as annoying as it is.

Life Changes

I did something I didn’t think I would ever do… I quit Chick-fil-A. Everybody knows how much I love the fil-A. Just ask my immersion team. I literally dreamed about those waffled potatoes once a week while we were gone! I knew at some point I would leave for graduate school but that isn’t going to be for another year and a half. I figured it was going to take Jesus coming directly to me and telling me to leave in order for me to really do it! Well, He used some other people to do it, but that’s basically what happened.

About a month ago, our youth pastor at Celebration approached me and asked me to be his student ministry assistant. I was honestly shocked when he asked me. I do lead a group of wonderful 11^th grade girls on Sunday morning, but I had never hinted or hoped for an actual job in student ministry. I just assumed God put those callings people’s hearts and that hadn’t happened to me. I was convinced Aaron had picked the wrong person for this. But I told him I would pray about it even though in the back of my mind I was sure God was going to tell me he was way off (no offense Aaron!).

As an added stressor to this decision, it was also finals week! I know God’s timing is perfect but I didn’t understand why He told Aaron this would be the best week to tell me. I could barely get any studying done because of all of the thoughts and feelings I was having about this decision. So I prayed. Hard. That God would make the right answer obvious soon because I had exams I needed to pass.

The day after Aaron talked to me, I set up a coffee date with Lori Cooley (Lemme tell you, God knew what He was doing putting that lady into my life a long time ago). Anyway, I was on my way to meet with her, crying and praying over what the right answer was. I remember asking God “I just want You to show what the best use of my time is”. And oh so clearly I heard this “Um excuse Me, I think you mean MY time!” This is definitely one of those things that makes me sound like a crazy person if you don’t know about hearing the voice of God. But I’m telling you, I knew it was Him. And that was just the beginning.

In a matter of 2 days, I knew what the answer was. I never did hear God say the words “this is the job I want you to have”. There isn’t a Bible verse with my name in it telling me the correct answer. But God crammed a whole lot of tiny messages and reminders in those 2 days. (which still gave me plenty of time to study for my finals!) There was no doubt in my mind that God had hand delivered this job to me. So I did it. I quit Chick-fil-A.

I know that this job at Celebration is going to be a challenge. And I know I’m way out of my league doing it. But I also know that I am going to have to depend on God’s direct leadership to be successful in this new adventure. And since when has needing to pray more been a bad thing? I am so excited for this new experience. I think it is going to grow me and shape me further into the person God wants me to be. So I’m following His guidance on this journey He has laid out for me. One step at a time.