Casting My Cares On Him

If you have talked to me at all in the past couple weeks, I have not been shy about the fact that I am feeling very overwhelmed with life right now. I try not to get stressed out a lot. But when I do, I like really do! And these past two weeks have been filled with tons of deadlines and emotional roller coasters. There were even times I felt physically sick because I was freaking out about life so much. What was the cause of all of my worry and stress? I’m so glad you asked J

This week officially began my journey as a Florida State Seminole. (YAY!) I was not really ever sure if FSU is where I would eventually end up. I always wanted to go there but I had never set my heart on it simply because I hadn’t decided what I wanted to major in! What if I picked something FSU didn’t offer? But I did, and now I get to work toward being a 2^nd generation Nole (SO to my mom). But figuring out what classes I need and balancing it with my work schedule was a lot for me to try to plan out. And then just when I thought I had decided on the perfect schedule, I got an email saying that I was signed up for a class I didn’t have the right prerequisites for. Great, now what am I going to do?!

Audrey, I need you to trust Me.

And if trying to pick out classes and times for college isn’t stressful enough, you also got to pay for them! I’m taking 14 credit hours this semester and if you know anything about how expensive college is, you can imagine how much money that is. My parents of course assured me they were here to help me. But I want to be independent. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be an adult. I got a major heart check one Sunday when I thought I could tell God that He didn’t need my tithe money. I needed it… Then (not coincidentally) I read the verses where Jesus told His disciples and the Pharisees “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and give to God what is God’s”. I couldn’t ignore that! So I did it. But it was really hard.

Audrey, I need you to trust Me.

One of my best friends and my spiritual other half just got married in Denmark. (No, I didn’t get to go.) And not only that, she and her new husband are moving to Colorado this week! They didn’t ask my permission before they did that either! All joking aside, I really am so, so happy for them. I love them both so much and I think they are going to have the most amazing life together. But I’m really sad for me. Not just because she’s 25 hours away, but it brings up all of these other emotions. I want to find the most amazing guy that I can be best friends with and tolerate enough to consider spending the rest of my life with him. I want someone that will go on a life-long adventure with me to wherever, whenever.

Audrey, I need you to trust Me.

In case it went over your head, those fancy little italicized sentences are what I have been hearing from God over and over again. And you know what, He was right.

My school schedule hit a little bump in the road. But now with my new schedule, I am hopefully going to be able to shadow a physical therapist who works with kids (which is my dream!). That would not have been possible with my school schedule before.

School fees are due next week. I was waiting to pay them until I had gotten all of the paychecks I could. My most recent one was more than I was anticipating it to be! It wasn’t an accident though. I had just forgotten about how much overtime I had worked. But it was still a welcomed surprise!

Every once in a while, I have a “forever alone” pity party for myself, but I’m not alone! I have my family, my roommates, my friends, my girls at church. I’m basically dating Chick-fil-a (I spend most of my time there and try to look at least presentable when I go to work. So yes, we’re dating.) Besides, I’m not really sure with what free time I could really invest in a relationship right now anyway. I know God’s going to send me my Jesus-loving Prince Charming when we're both ready. And my life with him is going to be an adventure. But for right now, I really am okay with being a super awesome single pringle!

In addition to all of these things, I have been so strongly encouraged from my friends and family these past couple weeks. I’ve had people text me out of the blue asking how they could be praying for me. (When that happened, I cried. Like a lot.) Any time I start to get frustrated and start to think I can’t do this and I can’t handle it, there is someone always right there assuring me I can. So thank you, all of you, for your words of affirmation. I so appreciate having such wonderful people in my life. And above all, I am trying to trust God even when it feels like I’m losing at life. I’m obviously not perfect in that area yet. But I’m learning how much more enjoyable life can be when I cast my cares on Him.

When He Speaks

Have you ever been trying to tell someone a funny story but upon seeing how unamused they were, your response always is “Oh well, I guess you had to be there”? Have you ever tried to explain a feeling or sensation you have had and really can’t even find the words to accurate describe what it was like? It can be frustrating to be in those situations because you want someone else to be able to feel and experience what you did. We like to talk about and share crazy cool things that have happened to us. But sometimes it’s hard to find the words to make someone else understand what it was we have been through. Well, as if trying to tell about something in person isn’t hard enough, I’m going to try to describe an experience I had at church recently using this blog… So we’ll see how this goes.

I have been in church my whole life. I’m one of those people who was going to church even before I was born. And I love that that’s how my life has been. I know I’m so blessed! That doesn’t mean my relationship with Jesus has always been a walk in the park either. It’s had its ups and downs. I’ve had times I have doubted my faith. I understand the Bible is true. I know all of the right Sunday school answers. I am not new to things whole Christianity thing. That’s why when this happened the other week at church, it honestly kind of surprised me. I had never experienced anything like it before!

So this happened one Sunday during the worship part of the service. I honestly couldn’t really tell you what the song was that we were singing. But somewhere in the lyrics it was talking about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us on the cross. Then, all of a sudden I got these like weird chills that radiated all over my body. Not like ones that make my hair stand up because it was cold in the sanctuary. I mean like chills from the inside of me. And then I heard this voice say “Yes, this song is about me. I did that for you.” And I heard it over and over again as we continued to sing this song about Jesus being our salvation.

Now if you have never had an experience like this before, I know this sounds absolutely crazy. I promise I had plenty of sleep. I was in my right mind. In fact, it has happened again many, many times since then. And it honestly kind of freaks me out every time. But I know it is just the Spirit inside of me reminding me that these songs are more than just the words and the notes. It’s more than just the fancy lights and all of the people who came together for church that day. It’s about us declaring who Jesus is. And what He has done for us. And yeah, this might be one of those things that you have to experience for yourself to know what that’s like. I hope you do get to experience the voice of the Spirit inside of you guiding you and reminding you who it is you are worshipping. Because hearing that and feeling that makes me want to get up, dance, and praise the Lord with everything within me.

That’s the coolest thing about the God that I serve. He’s personal. And yes, sometimes that’s a scary thing because that means He knows more about me than I may really want Him too. But it’s also so wonderful that this God of the universe wants me to know He is with me. And He is listening to me. So He does things like whispers His truth to us at church. Or remind us of His constant love for Him on our bad days. I mean after all, He did create us. He wants us to be so sure of our relationship with Him that He will speak to us in unique ways, just at the moment we need Him to.

Too Scared To Serve

Have you ever done something that at first you weren’t super excited about? But then once you got there, you ended up having tons of fun? Like for me, every time my family would tell us we were going to go on a camping trip, I would be super against it at first. It’s too hot. There are bugs. I won’t get to have a lot of personal space. You get that super gross and sticky feeling (I can handle dirty but I DO NOT like being sticky). But every time we go I have so much fun! I just need someone to make me go out and do it.

Well, this past week was also an example of that. So a couple months ago, I was asked by the one of the children’s directors (shout out to my neighbor/ coolest boss ever Kara) to consider leading the missions rotation of Adventure Week. For those of you that don’t go Celebration, Adventure Week is our version of VBS. As many of you know, I went on a six month long mission trip last year and Kara and a couple others had decided I would be a great person to come and lead missions. There were a couple problems though. First, I was signed up to take classes over the summer and Adventure Week and school schedules don’t really go together. However, God had already taken care of that one. My summer class finished literally the week before Adventure Week. Second of all, when I told my sister and a couple other people that I had been asked to lead it, their responses were always “Oh yeah the missions rotation isn’t really the kids’ favorite”. Not really the most encouraging thing to hear! But I mean, it makes sense. The rest of Adventure Week is full of games and crafts and music. You can see how learning about what someone did in a different country wouldn’t really be anyone’s favorite part of that week.

My first reaction was to say no. Doing the missions for Adventure Week would mean having to yell over and control tons of kids while you try to teach them, which did not sound appealing at all (this is why people who love to and want to be teachers make no sense to me). But then to know from the beginning that kids weren’t really even excited about missions anyway totally scared me! What would make what I had to say any more fun or relatable than what the people who had lead in the past had to say? I did not feel equipped to do something like that.

But then one day I was listening to a sermon (is it still called a sermon even if they aren’t a pastor? Not that it matters) by Christine Caine and she was talking about being servants where we are asked, when we are asked. I knew leading missions would not be the most “glamourous” position during the week. I wouldn’t have a stage to speak to thousands on. I would have a room. Trying to yell over and keep the attention of 50+ kids at a time. But I knew I had been asked because someone believed I could do it. And I knew that this was something God had basically handed me to do. So I said yes.

And let me tell you, this past week at Adventure Week was so wonderful! I’m not going to lie, it was crazy exhausting! But it was so much fun to get to tell kids about my trip and show them pictures and videos of the places I went. Kids have such a desire to learn and explore so getting to see things and learn about places they have never been to is actually super cool for them. It took a lot of planning and creativity (2 things I am not very good at). But let me tell you, all of the positive feedback I got from the kids and even the leaders was so amazing! On the last day, I even had a little girl come up to me and tell me that now she wanted to be a missionary when she grew up! How awesome is that?!

The point is: be willing to let God use you where you are at. You may not have a microphone or a big fancy platform. You might have a room with like 10 people in it. Or even just 1 person that God has brought into your life so you can be a light to them. Take advantage of those moments because they are preparing you for when the big moments do come. There are no regrets when we let God use us. Only when we are too scared to trust Him when He gives us opportunities to serve Him.

You are not alone

Before you begin reading this, you should know a couple things. The first thing is that the things I blog about and the words I type on this page I do not consider my own. I don’t just sit down and decide when and about what I am going to blog about. Everything I share is things that I feel like God has placed on my heart. And I cannot tell you how rewarding and wonderful it is when I get to hear people tell me about how something I said related to them or connected to them. The second thing is God has pushed this so strongly on my heart today that I know one of you reading this needs to hear it. So don’t be shocked when you (whoever you are) reads this. Because God knew you needed to hear it. Maybe you’re ignoring Him because you think He doesn’t get it but He knew you would end up here. So He’s using me to get to you.

I’ve realized something over the past few days: growing up is not all fun and games like maybe we thought it would be when we were younger. Even in high school (when we thought we were adults but we definitely weren’t), the stuff that worried us were things like grades, being the best at our sport or in our band, making sure we could find the perfect prom dress and date. Problems that as adults we wish we had! Now it’s things like paying bills, making deadlines at work, managing relationships with our coworkers and maybe even our spouses, being there for family and friends going through some health issues that we don’t know all the answers to. Life is full of real deal scary stuff. Things that we can’t control. We wish we could, but we can’t. We don’t always have all the answers. Doctors don’t always have all the answers. Our friends don’t always have the answers. Our bosses don’t always have all the answers.

So we put our heads down and walk through the storms of life. Have you ever been hit by one of life’s tornados and while you are pushing through the winds and struggling just to stand, you look to the right and to the left and you think yourself “I am having to do this alone”? Have you ever had that thought? You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel so alone. Because you look around and there is not a single person that can possible understand what you are going through. Maybe you have started isolating yourself from other people because you feel like no one can relate to the pain or stress or doubts you are dealing with. Maybe you have even started putting up a front around others because you don’t want them to know or ask what is wrong because then you have to talk about it and be open and vulnerable and that hurts even more. So you pretend like you have everything together and that life is great but really it’s not.

Now that you know I am talking to you, here’s what you need to know: you are not alone. There are bills that you don’t know how you are going to have the money for. (You are not alone.) Every time you see that person, they know just what to say to make you feel worse about yourself. (You are not alone.) Your insecurity is getting stronger and stronger but you try to hide it so no one will see your weakness. (You are not alone.) The diagnosis you or someone you love does not look good. (You are not alone.) You feel like no one is listening and that no one cares. (You are not alone.)

You are not alone. God has never left you. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) Yeah, you may have hit a bump in the road. That doesn’t mean God abandoned you. That doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. There is a constant battle going on for your heart and for your trust and for your soul. See the Devil wants you feel isolated. He wants you to feel unwanted. He wants you to feel unloved. You need to get those thoughts and those fears out of your head. You are treasured. You are loved. Unconditionally. You are strong. Because you have an army of angels surrounding you and a Heavenly Father who put His Spirit inside of you and He is fighting for you. And one day (and I know it doesn’t seem like this now) you will be able to look back from the other side with victory. And you are going to be able to share your story and touch so many others who don’t feel like anyone understands them. And you are going to make Satan regret ever trying to mess with you. Because God is going to use this hard time that you are going through in ways that are going to blow your mind! But until that day comes, wake up every day with the desire to fight. Fight for your self-esteem. Fight for your family. Fight for your health. Fight for your joy. Fight for your purpose.

So now you’re either one of two people: you are either currently in the fight or you know someone who is. If you are in the fight, find someone that can encourage you and pray for you and support you and love you. If you need someone but don’t know who, I’ll volunteer. You can send me a message or shoot me a text. Everything will be between you, me, and God. I would love to pray for you. And if you are the person that knows someone who is going through the fight, blow up their phone with encouragement. Attack them with hugs and love. Because I’m sure you have been through your own struggles and you know how it felt to know people were there for you. So be that for someone else.

You are not alone. 

Planning Our Future

(I would like to begin with a shout out to my soul sister Jordan because she suggested I share my thoughts on this topic.) The other night we were getting dinner and talking about growing up, looking for careers, future places we would like to live, and everything that goes with that. Because the reality is life is FULL of uncertainty and sometimes it requires that we make some major changes. Sometimes those can be really exciting and sometimes they can be super scary. (Honestly a lot of times, they seem to be both.) But how do we know that we are doing what God’s will is for our lives?

The Bible is packed with all sorts of wonderful verses of wisdom and encouragement, but there are no specific verses with our names in them telling us exactly who and where we are supposed to be in our lives. There is no chapter or verse with your name in it explaining God’s perfect plan for you. So how do we know when we are making the right decisions?

My mom’s rule always has been as long as it is not illegal or in direct contradiction with the Bible and we have really prayed about it, there’s nothing really to say if something is or isn’t God’s plan is for us. Because on the one hand yes, we do serve an all-powerful and all-knowing God and He knows us better than we know ourselves so of course He has a pretty good idea of where we are best fit in this world. But we also have the gift of free will. God wants us to explore the world around us and to seek to know ourselves and ultimately Him in a deep personal way. As long as you are not flat out disobeying God, you are free to make your own choices! (I mean you can choose to disobey God but I wouldn’t recommend that.) Now because He knows what is best for us, He does want us to seek His plan for us. Because that is where we will find our most joy and fulfillment. God gave us our specific list of gifts and abilities to help us find our niche but I believe we have the chance to figure out all the details on our own.

Let’s be for real: in a very literal sense, does the Bible say that it matters whether you live in Michigan or California? Um nope, at least in my Bible it doesn’t. Maybe your translation is different. Lemme tell you what mine says though. “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20) Does God say that it maters whether you go to FSU or UF? No! (Actually, it does matter. Don’t go to UF.) But we are called to go be salt and light wherever we live. Wherever we work. With whomever we marry. With the way we act and the words we say and the things we do.

So of course, seek God and ask for His help when you are searching for the answers. Don’t think you can do life without Him. Because He will be quick to remind you that you can’t. But if you feel a peace about your decision, go for it! God’s not going to send you a DM with your life laid out for you. Strive to live your life in a way that honors Him. Use your talents to glorify Him. Surround yourself with people who can encourage you to make good decisions. And the rest will fall into place!

Not that Smart

So here’s something you probably already know and may not really want to be reminded of: you are not the smartest person in the world. Go ahead. Sit down. Take a moment if you need to come to terms with that. It’s a humbling statement to say out loud. Dropping your pride to admit that maybe there is someone else who knows more than you do can be scary. A lot of the time when people suggest what they think is best for us, we tend to get all defensive because we think we always know what’s the best for us. Sometimes we’re right and sometimes we’re not. What if there was someone who was so much smarter than we can possibly imagine? …Oh wait! There is.

How hard is it to believe that God really knows what is best for us? I mean, my goodness, He created the whole universe! Of course, He is smarter than we are! Our tiny, mushy brains cannot comprehend how big and massive He is. We can’t even begin to understand all the twists and turns in our story that have made us who we are and brought us to where we are. But God has seen every single twist 

and wind and bump in the road and has been there riding shotgun with us every step of the way.

See that’s what makes our lives so beautiful. The mystery of our lives is what makes them so wonderful. I mean, yeah there are definitely sometimes I wish I knew all the answers about my life. Where I am going to work one day. Who I am going to marry. Where I’m going to live. All of these things would be nice to know. Although, it could be very overwhelming. I mean, what if God told me that I was going to live in Canada? There are no sandy, Floridian beaches in Canada! That would really freak me out. Fortunately, God knows I can’t handle all of that information at once. So He lets me figure it out (with His guidance of course) and that’s when life becomes an exciting adventure.

We are a society that doesn’t like being told what we should do. We like to be our own boss. We like to explore and discover. We like to try to understand things that don’t make sense. The best news though is that we have the best tour guide in the universe on our side! Someone who wants us to succeed but also want us to ask for His help. Someone who lets us make our own choices but wants us to seek His will for our lives. We may not always know the right answers and we aren’t always going to make the right choices. But just know your #1 fan, supporter, best friend is right beside you waiting for you to ask Him to help you. He already knows the answers and He’s a lot smarter than you are. So trust Him.      

When We Fall Short

Have you ever had that moment when you thought to yourself in the words of Britney Spears “Oops I did it again”? (Not that I’m necessarily saying you should model your life after Britney Spears songs but you know what I mean.) That moment when you do the one thing that you told yourself you wouldn’t do again. You said you were going to eat better, but that chocolate bar kept calling your name. You said you weren’t going to go to that place, but you ended up there once again. You knew that person was not the best influence on you, but you don’t want to be seen as the loser who can’t hang out with them anymore. All of us have done something that we regret. Big or small. We all have something in our past we’re not extremely proud of.

I don’t know about you but I usually have the hardest time forgiving myself. I’m not saying that forgiving someone else is always a walk in the park. It can be extremely painful. And it can take a lot of time. But sometimes it’s easier than having to forgive yourself. We can make excuses for other people, justify what may have made them act a certain way. But with your own self, it’s a completely different story. You know better than to make those mistakes that you did. And when you do it over and over again, it can be hard to give yourself a chance to forgive yourself.

Luckily, there is someone who has already forgiven us for all the times we mess up. Past, present, and future. And yes of course I am talking about Jesus, someone who came and lived a perfect life and took on the shame and consequences meant for us. That does not mean we somehow got a pass to do whatever we want. Romans 6:1-2 says “What should we say then? Should we continue in sin so that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?” By saying we have died to sin kind of means we have given up that part of us. So yes, we are going to mess up sometimes because we are imperfect humans, but we should always strive for our lives to resemble that of Christ.

There is also the other end. God wants us to recognize and repent of our sin, but that does not mean we have to sit and feel sorry forever about what we did. I believe guilt is not from God. Becoming aware of how we have messed up absolutely is! And that kind of awareness is what brings about a desire to change. But guilt, the feeling that you are a terrible person and neither God nor anyone else will be able to love you again because of what you have done, is not from Him. Besides, it’s not like you are the only person that has ever made a mistake. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) God does not define us by the sin in our lives. He wouldn’t call us sons and daughters if He did. It’s okay to want to fix the wrong we may have done and yeah sometimes that recovery process can take a while. But getting stuck in the past and becoming consumed with guilt from the things you have done is not beneficial. Usually for me, feeling sorry for myself makes it harder to love on others because I become too consumed with myself.

We all have things in our lives that we wish we had done differently. Don’t let what has happened in your past take over your mind and your life. Every morning could mark the day you start to make some positive and lifelong changes. You’re never too far away from grace. God will never stop loving you. He doesn’t want you to be a broken soul overcome with defeat. Jesus already has the victory. It’s time to pick yourself up and act like you believe that you are forgiven. That you are loved. Because trust me, you definitely are!