I did something really dumb. I told a friend that I would
train to run a half marathon with her… As soon as I said those words, I
instantly regretted it. Who in their right mind would willingly run over 13
miles?! Actually it’s been a really great thing for me. I’ve never had such a
strong motivation or reason to keep up with my health and fitness. Plus, the
more I run, the more I appreciate the time I spend doing it. Nobody can talk to
me. I can’t be distracted by anything that is, in reality, not that important.
All of my brain power is being used to continually put one foot in front of the
other and attempt to keep myself from passing out. Because training for a half
marathon is hard enough. But training for a half marathon in Florida humidity
is no joke!
One thing that I have noticed is I can totally tell when I
have been feeding myself properly to pull off this kind of physical activity. I
can feel the effects of eating pizza and sugar vs eating protein and
vegetables. The really cool/nerdy thing is because of the classes I am taking
at school, I understand why I feel this way! Apparently, I had not been eating
great the past couple days because today’s run was harder than normal. I was
rushed this morning so I didn’t take the time to make myself a good breakfast
or lunch. And I ate like a linebacker yesterday! I went to Grub for the first
time in forever and completely demolished my burger. *Side note: I guess the
manager thought I waited too long for my burger so he gave me a coupon for a
free one next time I come! Which is not helping my linebacker eating habits but
I aint even mad about it!*
So because of my poor choices the past couple days, I ended
up having to walk more than I normally do. Rather than just quitting, I decided
to go ahead and walk for another mile or so. I had planned on running longer
anyway. I heard this little voice in my head say “Well, since you don’t need
this pump up music for a walk, you might as well put on some Jesus tunes and
turn it into a prayer walk.” I figured there was no harm in it.
I ended up sitting on a bench along the trail I was on, just
appreciating the stillness around me. The more I listened to these songs of
repentance and declarations about God’s power, the more I realized how completely
off course I had been lately. All of these feelings of jealousy,
bitterness, worry, and selfishness that I had been hiding just starting coming
to the surface and I lost it! Why did it have to take God completely isolating
me before He could get my attention? I knew it was because I had been trying to
ignore what I was feeling. I thought maybe I could do the “fake it til you make
it” thing when really I should have been laying down all of those things at the
feet of Jesus.
Sometimes God teaches us through our mistakes. He lets us go
our own way because He also knows in the end, we will remember those lessons
which such clarity that we are less likely to do it again. Recently, God has
shown me this unbelievable mercy by sparing me from learning the lessons the
hard way. I think He knows right now I do not have the emotional stability to
handle the tough love right now… But He keeps showing up in these moments more
as a reminder of His sovereignty and control and love in my life. I don’t
deserve His grace. I don’t deserve His attention. I don’t deserve a
relationship with Him. But that’s what He desperately wants from me. It’s also
what He wants from you.
Yesterday, the verse of the day on the Youversion Bible App
was Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on
your own understand; think about Him in all your ways and He will guide you on
the right path.” I’ve heard this verse more times than I can count. I’m pretty
sure I could still sing the song that I learned about it when I was a kid. Don’t
ask me to sing it for you. I won’t. But the further I go through life, I see
why they expose you so much to that verse as a kid. Because it’s a decision we
have to make each and every day. Will I follow God or will I follow the desires
of my heart?
This song I was listening to as I sat there was “Circles” by
Tow’r. There’s a line that repeats in the song that says “While I was searching
for a feeling, You were searching for me.” As a woman, it often feels like my
entire life is run by my emotions. And how well I handle them is so closely
related to where I seek the outlets for them. It’s so much easier to pop in a
rom-com and further dive into whatever I am feeling than it is to talk to God
about it. Mainly because I am sometimes afraid of what He will show me when I
open myself up to Him. But He will never stop seeking for my heart. And He will
be patient and waiting when I finally decide to stop and listen.
