This past weekend, I had the absolute privilege of taking
some of our high school seniors to the beach for a farewell graduation trip.
This was my third time taking our students as a leader, and every time I am
convinced it is better than the last! Our entire leadership brings their “A”
game every year and it is literally a blessing to be surrounded by such caring
and Jesus-filled people. Here’s the funny thing about leading any sort of
Christian retreat: so many times, we come prepared to teach and encourage those
we are leading and every time God teaches us even more!
One afternoon, I had somehow landed some one-on-one time
with one of my favorite women on this planet. We were both laughing and
enjoying some much needed time together until she asked me THE question:
“Audrey, how are you? Not how is school or work? How are you? How is your
heart?” And then in the most loving and gentle way, she ripped off an emotional
scab I had been trying to deny was ever there. But she knows me better than
that…
As she listened to me share these things I was struggling
with, she asked me if I believed God had a plan for my life. The answer was
“well, of course! The Bible says He does.” Then she made me repeat this phrase
until either she thought I believed it or at least knew it was going to stick
with me: without a doubt.
Yeah… That was hard to say. Saying that I knew God had a
plan for me and wanted what is best for me was head knowledge. To say that I
believed it without a doubt, that is a heart thing.
Here’s what I have realized about heart knowledge: often
learning it comes with a fair amount of emotional pain, but not because it is
evil or undesirable. Think back on your life. What are the memories that are
the strongest? What past sensations can you feel the loudest? More likely than
not, it’s the sensation of pain that sticks with us. It’s easier to recall
exactly how you felt when you broke your foot, but a lot harder to remember how
it felt the last time you got to hug the loved one you lost.
Pain is hard. We never wish it upon ourselves and somehow it
still always finds us. It overcomes us at our weakest and pokes at us when we
are at our most vulnerable. It knocks us off our own two feet and takes our
breath away. Does the pain of our past or our present try to yell louder than
anything else? Without a doubt.
Healing is harder. It requires us to admit defeat and fall
at the face of our Savior. It brings us to the point of realizing we cannot do
this on our own. Healing is never fun. It demands we come face to face with our
giants and run at them with our sling, stone, and mighty God behind us. Do I
know God is behind me every step of the way? Without a doubt.
Does God see you in your brokenness right now? Without a doubt.
Does God feel the sadness and hurt you are experiencing? Without a doubt.
Does He want you to run toward Him with tears in your eyes
and arms open wide? Without a doubt.
Will He catch you every time you fall into Him? Without a doubt.
“Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything
coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what
happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” -Philippians
4:7 (The Message)
