Ikea Life Plans

It has been a hot minute since I felt like I had to time to breathe in the past couple months. Having still moments always prompts me to reflect on my life: where I have been, what I have been through, and where I am going. I began to think about the life the younger versions of me imagined. I can say with quite certainty, they never could have predicted this.

I never thought I would still be in Tallahassee. The longer I am here the more I love it. But I have tried leaving so many times for school or jobs I thought I wanted. But somehow, God consistently shows me it isn’t time for me to leave yet.

I never thought my first overnight hospital stay would be in a foreign country. I had decided that since I survived being a teenager with no major medical incidents, I would be good until I had to go to become a mom or something! That obviously was not the case. That event still is the strangest couple days I have ever, and probably will ever, experience. But I got a great story out of it so I guess that is something.

I never thought I would be voluntarily signing up for more and more school. In high school, I had always looked at career paths only requiring one degree. But grad school? Yeah right… I could never do that.

I never thought I would still be living with family after graduating from undergrad. Because I had always assumed I would find a one degree career. One degree, instant job, forever independent. But nope! I am an in-debt grad student living with my grandparents. But I know I will forever be so thankful for the time I get to invade their lives and their home.

I never thought I would be working at a church. When Aaron asked me to quit Chick-fil-a to come work for him, I was sure he was having a momentary lapse in judgment. I wasn’t qualified. I’m still not! But I love it. I love getting to be a part of some of the most important and challenging times in our students’ lives. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I never thought one of my younger sisters would be getting married before me. I’m the oldest. I’m supposed to be the one giving marriage advice and relating to the joyful stress of planning a wedding, but I got nothing! And yeah, some days that is a tough reality. But I also know there is not a single person in the world who could make Savanna happier than Caleb. He is the most perfect man for her and the absolute best first brother-in-law.

I never thought I would be oh so very single at 24. High school Audrey thought I would be married right out of undergrad. Apparently, God is on His own timeline. Shocking I know.

These are just the brief highlights of a long list of ways, things, and choices I have made that I could have never predicted. God tells us “I know the plans I have for you (Jeremiah 29:11)”. Some days I wish those plans were clearly written out. Like a step-by-step Ikea furniture manual. Place this here. Tighten this relationship there. Pick up this opportunity and connect it with this. But I’m also so thankful it is not. Our lives are a journey. A journey filled with so much purpose and even more surprises. And I’m sure that even in another 5 or 10 years, the plans I have for myself now will not be comparable to the place and the person I will be then.

I’m ready for the adventure. I hope you are ready for yours too!

Without A Doubt

This past weekend, I had the absolute privilege of taking some of our high school seniors to the beach for a farewell graduation trip. This was my third time taking our students as a leader, and every time I am convinced it is better than the last! Our entire leadership brings their “A” game every year and it is literally a blessing to be surrounded by such caring and Jesus-filled people. Here’s the funny thing about leading any sort of Christian retreat: so many times, we come prepared to teach and encourage those we are leading and every time God teaches us even more!

One afternoon, I had somehow landed some one-on-one time with one of my favorite women on this planet. We were both laughing and enjoying some much needed time together until she asked me THE question: “Audrey, how are you? Not how is school or work? How are you? How is your heart?” And then in the most loving and gentle way, she ripped off an emotional scab I had been trying to deny was ever there. But she knows me better than that…

As she listened to me share these things I was struggling with, she asked me if I believed God had a plan for my life. The answer was “well, of course! The Bible says He does.” Then she made me repeat this phrase until either she thought I believed it or at least knew it was going to stick with me: without a doubt.

Yeah… That was hard to say. Saying that I knew God had a plan for me and wanted what is best for me was head knowledge. To say that I believed it without a doubt, that is a heart thing.

Here’s what I have realized about heart knowledge: often learning it comes with a fair amount of emotional pain, but not because it is evil or undesirable. Think back on your life. What are the memories that are the strongest? What past sensations can you feel the loudest? More likely than not, it’s the sensation of pain that sticks with us. It’s easier to recall exactly how you felt when you broke your foot, but a lot harder to remember how it felt the last time you got to hug the loved one you lost.

Pain is hard. We never wish it upon ourselves and somehow it still always finds us. It overcomes us at our weakest and pokes at us when we are at our most vulnerable. It knocks us off our own two feet and takes our breath away. Does the pain of our past or our present try to yell louder than anything else? Without a doubt.

Healing is harder. It requires us to admit defeat and fall at the face of our Savior. It brings us to the point of realizing we cannot do this on our own. Healing is never fun. It demands we come face to face with our giants and run at them with our sling, stone, and mighty God behind us. Do I know God is behind me every step of the way? Without a doubt.

Does God see you in your brokenness right now? Without a doubt.

Does God feel the sadness and hurt you are experiencing? Without a doubt.

Does He want you to run toward Him with tears in your eyes and arms open wide? Without a doubt.

Will He catch you every time you fall into Him? Without a doubt.

“Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” -Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

Stupid Cliches

This is going to be hard for me to admit, mainly because it’s more honest and embarrassing than I usually care to share. But I’ve been thinking about clichés and how they got to be clichés. The answer has to be because on some level, maybe even most levels, it is true. So here is a story about a cliché that is actually a good one.

One thing you need to know about me is that Gideon is my prayer spirit animal. He and I are definitely on the same page. In case his story is not one you are familiar with, let me fill you in. God asked Gideon to lead an army to take over a BIG army that was getting ready to go to war against the Israelites. He wanted to believe that God got it right, but he needed to make sure. So he gave God a test. He put out some fleece and told God if this really was what he was supposed to do, let the fleece be wet and the ground dry when he woke up the next day. If fact, he did it twice to guarantee it was not an accident. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t an accident. And Gideon defeated an army with like 30 people because God’s awesome. Judges 6:11-8:21)

Anyway, I pray like that a lot. Sometimes I need God to give me signs so I know I am hearing His voice and not some delusion I made up. Most of the time, I use cars. Because God can make anything happen! He can make any car pass me at any moment. And that’s how I pray. 

As many stories seem to start, “so there was this boy…”. And he was great. A real solid dude. The kind of dude that I thought maybe would be the marrying type. So I got to praying.

I live by a bunch of car dealerships and one of them had this bright purple jeep right in the front. I love a good jeep, but it was a crazy bright purple! I figured the chances of it selling where about the same as this guy realizing he was supposed to marry me. So I prayed and told (as if I have any power) God that jeep was going to be my sign. When it wasn’t there anymore, I would know something big was about to happen!

Every day I drove past that dealership, and every day that purple jeep was still there. Then one day, I got to carve out some super intentional and real time with God. I got to have a very honest conversation about where I was at emotionally and literally cried out to Him. I knew that He loved me and He was listening. So that was good enough for the moment.

That same day, I drove past that same dealership and the purple jeep was gone. Then I heard it. “I needed you to know I am enough for you. Even if this boy is not the one, I am still enough for you.” And you know what, He is.

God is enough for you. He is literally all you need. You don’t need that person or that job or that money or that car. God is enough. If fact, He really is the only thing you need. But that’s phase 2. Realizing He is enough is phase 1.

My point is this: prayer is powerful. Pray the bold prayers and the scary prayers. The prayers maybe you are not even sure you want answered. And yeah, the outcome might not be what you really hoped it would be. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray it. Because often, it’s in those moments that God shows up and reminds us exactly who He is.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm Here For You

This is going to be short and to the point. But in light of recent events, I wanted to put this out there:

Here’s the reality: life is far from perfect. There is so much hurt and deception and evil in the world. Some of it is just things we hear about on the news. Some of it is affecting you personally. Some of it just causes you to pause and think about your life. Some of it literally feels like your world is crashing down around you. Recently, I was reminded of something very important that I need you to know. Whatever it is that you are facing, God is bigger than it.

If you feel like everything around you is full of darkness, God is the light of the world (John 8:12). If you feel like you are a mistake, God crafted you. There’s no way you can be a mistake (Psalm 139:14). If you feel weak and broken, God is your strength (Psalm 118:14). If you feel unloved, God literally is love (Psalm 36:5-7). God is a million times bigger than the giant that is in front of you. He wants you to put on His armor and run toward your giant. There is no need to fear about coming out victorious. Jesus has already won the victory.

You’ve probably said or heard the phrase, “if you everything need anything, I’m here for you” more times than you can count. I know I have, but I still will continue to say it. Why? Because of those few times people take me up on it. If that’s where you are at, I’m here for you. Go ahead and message me! I don’t care if we’ve never really talked before. I don’t care if we have talked but we’ve lost touch. I don’t care about how awkward it may or may not be. I never want anyone to feel like they are alone in this world. Because you are not. You are loved by an Everlasting God. You are treasured by the Maker of the stars. You are important to the King of universe. You are not too far, too messed up, or too broken for Him. And I will tell you that every single day until you believe it if you need me to.

You are loved. You are treasured. You are important.