This past week I got the awesome privilege of taking our
students to MFuge camp in Mobile, Al. I’m still a little bitter I couldn’t
convince our youth pastor to take us to Fuge NGU so I could see my sister. But
it’s fine. I’ve moved on. Anyway, this was my first experience being an “adult”
at camp and my first time at MFuge. Which in case you don’t know, MFuge is like
combining an in-country missions trip and regular Jesus camp so it’s super
cool. It was honestly amazing to go to camp not as a student because I remember
letting myself get unreal emotional and distracted by other campers (if you
know what I mean), but this time I was so much more focused on Jesus and how I
could be there for our students.
Being at camp though does kind of make you put your life
under a microscope. You are getting so much truth thrown at you about so many
areas that all seem to apply to you. It can be exhausting to realize how much
you need to get your act together! There is also though so much opportunity for
you to worship who God is and celebrate what Jesus did for you. That’s where
there seems to always be that obligatory “cry night” because your mind just can’t
process all of these feelings any other way. This time the roller coaster wasn’t
too dramatic for me, but I did leave last week very aware of some areas in my
life that I was not a fan of.
So naturally, Satan got wind of this and has been throwing
those feelings back in my face all week. Thoughts and feelings about myself and
other people that I really am not proud of. Insecurities about my worth.
Desires that I have that I know are not things that Jesus wants for me to have.
Struggles that I wish I didn’t have. So I can be honest and say, I have not
really liked who I am this week. But thankfully, we have a God who knows
exactly what we need during these times.
I read a verse yesterday that literally felt like it was
written for me. It’s 1 Timothy 1:15-16 “This saying is
trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: ‘Christ Jesus came into the world
to save sinners’—and I am the worst of them. But
I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ
Jesus might demonstrate His extraordinary patience as an example to those who
would believe in Him for eternal life.“ Even on my ways that I
feel like I am at my worst, Jesus is still patient with me. God still loves me.
Does He want me to be better? Oh, for sure! But He loves me in spite of the
things that I don’t like about myself.
I’ve also been listening to the song “Hills and Valleys” on
repeat (the piano version, not that it really matters) and there’s a line that
stuck out to me. “No matter what I have, Your grace is enough. No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love.” It does not matter what else
is going on in my life. It doesn’t matter who I have or what I have. It doesn’t
matter if I am loved by everyone or dirt poor, God’s grace is enough for me.
And yeah there are some days I don’t believe that. I want to believe it! Some
days it’s just easier than others. But you know what? Even on the days I don’t
believe, the days there is more I dislike than like about myself, God still
loves me. God’s grace is bigger than my disbelief. And that, my friends, is the
most beautiful thing!
